Thoughts

Not sure where I can even start with this one- As the days, and months passed I always wondered how I would feel once Renasia's BirthDate came. I woke up that morning and was still unsure how I was going to feel, I definetly felt sad- because I couldn't go and do what I do with the rest on their Bday give them a hug and kiss and be the 1st to wish them happy birthday. As my day continued I was so busy with work it was really good to be distracted but I couldn't stop thinking about when I get off I get to let balloons go with the kids, and Ren.
I had sent out an email the day before asking that everyone if they found time to let a balloon go with my Angels name and BirthDate on it and Ryan (my boss, but more of a friend) let everyone at my work know about that date- they sent me flowers which was such a surprise and set my day to make me smile. Later on in the day they took me outside, and then all came walking behind me with a pink balloon when I turned my head and saw it that was the 1st time I had cried that day. Wow it hit me hard- it was sad but also because it showed that people really do care. The hardest part I have had with this relocation for our family is adjusting since our entire family is back in Utah- But to have people that I am working with that haven't known me that long show they care just made my day.

When I got home me and the kids went and picked out our balloons of course we didnt follow the same guidelines I gave everyone else :) We got some Mylar balloons with sayings on them- But once Dad got off work we all went outside and let them go at the same time! It defiently is very hard when you think of what you are doing this for. As the night went on I started receiving numerous text messages, and pictures on facebook of balloons that everyone was letting go. Nothing makes me more happy when I see that everyone will take the time to support my sweet Angel-

I always thought this day would be the worst- I am not sure I think January will hit me harder. But I try to remind myself she is in such a better place than any of us. She is probably just the beautiful girl she was here. I do always have the what if's....

What would she look right now?
What if she was still here would she have dimples?
Would she be walking? Talking?

Its so hard to not think that. I think that will always be that way. As a mother its very hard to try to not always be paranoid of what happens next. I will say that I hope 2010 brings our family something positive. We have been through so much and we still have stuck it out. Everyone was always concerned about how me and Ren would turn out- But we back eachother up constantly and we are on eachothers side all the time. When I am down he helps me up, when he is down I help him up. When the kids are down we BOTH help them up. We have united as a family not only by Renasia's passing but by moving and spending alot more time with eachother and not taking life for granted. We know that tomorrow is never promised and we have to spend as much time with eachoter as we can.

Not only with her passing but watching what my friend Ryan is going through and things with his family just puts life in a different perspective. You can be the strongest person and you just never know what tomorrow will bring you.

Well again Thank you EVERYONE for all the phone calls, emails, texts, and pictures I appreciate it a ton! You are all my support system when needed. Just know I can do the same for you if ever needed.

Take care we love yall.